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What could possibly go wrong?

Clearly what I was picturing.

But where is the fun in that? And I’m not doing this embarrassing stuff for my health.

I realized today that though I may not be the world traveler I used to be, I may not work the exciting jobs anymore, I may not have to travel to Stockholm for awards (I never did that,) but there is rarely a dull moment once Mo puts on her shiny shoes. 

Today, those shoes were flip-flops and the moment was a dangerously hilarious 5-minute ride on my brand new-used electric scooter. 

I figured that since I now live as close to work possible without actually living in it, I should keep the obnoxiously $4.25/gal price of gas out of my car and at the pump where it belongs. Because $4.25. A gallon. This is just plain ole regular gas, too. Nothing fancy. Just $4 goddamn dollars per gallon. Anywho….

Not only do I live about 6 blocks from work, the parking around my little apartment is so bad that I’ve walked halfway to work by the time I found my car. The 3 block “coast” into work seems a little wasteful after that. That’s not to say I’m walking there routinely. Pffft. I mean, come on. I didn’t practice loafing around all these years to start “exercising” now. That’s just plain foolishness so stop suggesting it. 

So, I figured the on-sale, open-box, mildly marked-up, reject, stand-up scooter was a reasonable solution to my walking-allergy. 

However, there were a few things I didn’t consider. 

Because, of course I didn’t. 

I’ll share those things with you now. 

  1. Yoga pants don’t normally have pockets. At least not the ones I wear. If they do, they don’t hold the cell phone, make up, keys, pens, sunglasses, regular glasses, wallet, female stuff, masks, different pair of sunglasses, 3 crossword puzzles from the paper, charging cords, headphones, bottle of water, and thermos of wine I seem to need to carry with me at all times. 

2. I haven’t worn normal pants in 4 years. 

3. I need to find a backpack to fit all of my needs that won’t make me too top heavy and tip over in a light breeze. 

4. Spending about 4 hours online finding the perfect, overpriced backpack causes me to get distracted and wander off. 

5. It’s important to check to see what kind of tires your new scooter has. Mine are air-filled. Make sure they are filled with air. This is key.

6. It’s true that our balance gets compromised the older we get. Especially when carrying a thermos of wine. 

7. I don’t know how to ride a stand-up scooter. 

8. Stopping when wearing flip-flops going downhill on a scooter you don’t know how to ride in the first place may make you rethink your plan. 

9. Buy a helmet. Take 10 seconds and actually strap it to your head.

All important info. Trust me.

Anybody got any gas money I can borrow?

Categories: Humor

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Mo

I write awkward tales. Mostly funny. Usually true. Often truthfully funny.

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