Tag: assholes

Are you a jerk looking to date?

Are you bored and regular dating sites aren’t doing it for you? Are the women you find not plentiful enough, too demanding, not tolerant, demand respect and to not live in fear and betrayal? Then you’ve come to the right place. Holyshitnotagain.com is the dating site for those who’ve been looking for that special someone with a special resilience.

  • Do you dream of meeting that one person you can take all the world’s problems out on?
  • Does the sight of someone happy make you want to punch it off their face?
  • Do you love coming up with new and interesting ways to destroy someone’s soul?
  • Do you hate your mother?
  • Do you love your mother too much?
  • Do you want to take all your issues you have with your mother out on someone?
  • Do you hate women?
  • Do you love all women often?
  • Does the truth make you want to just lie for no reason?
  • Does it make you happy to deny happiness to another?

Then we have the woman for you.

We, at holyshitnotagain.com, have the perfect woman for any closet-case, liar, cheater, trickster, and violent felon looking for temporary love. She’ll have dreams of a happy future with you, but it’s always temporary here at holyshitnotagain.com.

Meet Molly. Our newest and only star at holyshitnotagain.com.

She’s cute
She’s smart
She’s sexy
She’s a world traveller

And there’s something about her that just makes you want to smack that smug smile off her face. Cheat on her, smack her around, lie to her face, and she’ll keep coming back for more. No one knows resilience like this little filly. She’ll give you presents, make you delicious meals, cater to your every need without you ever doing anything but treat her like shit.

She’s perfect for anyone who:

Likes to cheat so much that it’s reported in the local newspaper
Prefers Molly’s closest friend and her drugs to Molly
Is a violent, psychopathic, narcissistic monster
Is a bible-banging, backstabbing, alcoholic hypocrite
is Married

Don’t worry, she’ll believe your lies. And, she’ll stick around long after you think you’ve exhausted all forms of degradation. One thing that Molly has, it’s resilience. She’s in it for the long haul, regardless of how temporary you’ve decided it would be without telling her.

Get her before she regains any self-confidence. The pickings are ripe here at holyshitnotagain.com.

You can be the next asshole to swoop up this charming piece of whipping post if you act fast.

Be careful, though. She has had some good men in her life and there’s a chance she’ll remember that fact before too long.

Behold the competition:

Applications accepted now! Don’t wait. Time’s running out. Offer ends when she finally pulls her head out of her ass.

Visit: yeahrightasshole.com

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You Need Our Dark

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Monday

I’m not called an asshole on accident.

It’s because I’m often being one. I can come across as a little…rough.

-Stop laughing–

My “assholeness”, you may have figured out by now, concerned reader, comes from a darker place. But that’s just me. Not everyone’s outlooks are made up of cherries and groovy disco, you know.

That’s just the way it is. Always has been. Always will be.

Some of you are born with a view of life filled with fairies flying through rainbows handing out pure cocaine.

Others of us are born simply grateful to have quieted a little of the distracting, blaring, off-tune polka bands in our heads while we scratch at our prickly insulation suits.

It can make one grouchy. It’s not just because I can hear you when you chew.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not a feel-sorry-for-me diatribe. I have nothing for anyone to feel sorry for; I’m quite blessed.

The problem lies with those fairy-type people telling me to turn my, “frown upside down! Life is great up here on top of the rainbow!”

I don’t have time for your advice when the accordion just hit a flat F on my way to pick up my re-prickled suit.

Just because we’re frowning doesn’t mean we’re unhappy, We’re just uncomfortable.

We don’t need your help. We need you to stop.

There’s a prevailing idea that seeing things on the brighter side is necessary for a full life. We see it. We just can’t find our sunglasses and our eyes are sensitive. Just give us a second—they’re around here somewhere, hold on, found ‘em, cracked? shit!— and we’ll squint, see what you’re so adamantly beaming your huge smiles at and nod, “yes, it is bright.” Now let us Gollum back to our caves; it’s sweaty out here in the sun and we’re getting hives.

Because, for us, it sounds tiring to be doing all those cartwheels off fluffy clouds and we have other things to do. Your insistence we change is fucking with our schedule.

And, it’s not as bad as you think. There are benefits to living in the darkness.

We’re more sensitive. We pick up on the tiny changes in the atmosphere, subtle shifts in the force. We know when there is pain because we feel it, too. When it’s dark much of the time, we must feel, not see, what we’re facing. With all the uncomfortability, polka bands constantly tuning up or finding a comfortable way to sit, we can always sympathize. We can empathize with embarrassment, pain, and awkwardness. There’s little we can’t understand. And if we can’t, we will help you learn to laugh at yourself because we’re usually laughing at ourselves already.

We’re funny. Because after a while, it just gets funny. It has to be.

We’re hearty. The caves where we creep are littered with holes in the ground, twisting our ankles; stalagmites rising up to break our toes; stalactites smacking our heads. Having to navigate around with broken toes, itchy suits, and being always a little dizzy, while leading around this fucking ten-piece polka band is tiring. Yet, we carry on. It takes endurance to continue every day; an inherent toughness to reset our own bones in the dark.

We’re realistic. Because shit happens. A lot. We’ve seen it all.  And we’re never blind to the consequences.

And why we’re so important to you who live in the clouds.

Because without us you’d fly into the sun. It would be the brightest yet last thing you ever saw, Icarus…without us tethering you to the ground.

So, the next time you feel the need to tell one of us to, “turn that frown upside down,” without knowing what we are, rethink. Understand that the polka never stops but we’re ignoring it right now for you. We’re the great listeners who’ll be there for when you need us, anyway, (and maybe a little happy just to sit down for a minute.) Just don’t tell us how to be.

Honor the darkness that follows us around, wrinkling our brows and breaking our toes, because that’s what makes us who we are…

And you need us. Be grateful for the balance.