As a break from something else I was doing, like writing the most amazing resume ever created—information on resume writing services at http://molotovink.com aka shameless plug–I came across an article from BusinessInsider.com about the interview process at Google.

“The 19 toughest interview questions you may have to answer if you want to work at Google, the best company in America” [edited] http://www.businessinsider.com/best-company-in-america-interview-questions-2016-4

 “Google may have done away with its notoriously impossible brainteaser questions, but doesn’t mean you can expect an interview there to be a breeze.

So what tough questions can you expect to be asked to get there? We looked to Glassdoor reviews from the past year to find out:”

I did take a look at the impossible brainteaser questions mentioned in the article but they are so impossible that they’re not even funny. So, why? What its worth if it doesn’t give the interviewer a chuckle? Unless those questions are what translate into funny at Google; in which case I say, never work at Google. Working there sounds like being forced to sit at the nerd-table in the cafeteria in high school. Sure the nerds rule over all of our lives now but it doesn’t mean I enjoy getting sprayed by the milk shot out of one’s nose.

I have a couple-second clip of a movie that illustrates what I’m describing so vividly but because of, well, me, I’m having trouble getting it on here. You understand.  I’ll add it if it doesn’t cut into my sittin’ around time.

And for those of you thinking, “Um, Molly? You may want to stop calling that kettle, ‘black’.” I’m not a nerd. I’m a dork. Huge difference. Not a difference I should be proud of but a difference nonetheless.

Witness:

According to Urban Dictionary, a nerd is:

A stereotypical label used to describe a person that is socially inadequate [but highly intelligent]. A four-letter word, but a six-figure income.

And a dork is:

Someone who is slightly nerdy and geeky, though they are also adorable and somewhat charming and cute. Being a dork doesn’t mean you’re uncool, just not popular.

That’s me, adorable yet tragically clumsy, a foot-in-mouth-diseased dilettante–not totally nerdy but not terribly cool–dork to the core.

Add the fact that I just corrected the spelling on those definitions means something else even less flattering but I won’t get into that right now. Just know it’s not making me a six-figure income but certainly annoying my loved ones.

Anywho…back to the Google interview.

I’ve prepared my answers for when the big day comes when, like all of us eventually, I’m shuffled into the corral to await my Google indoctrination.

Let’s begin, shall we?

 ‘Sell me anything at all.’

I have water. You don’t. You’ll die without water. Give me all your money. Boom!

 ‘If ads were removed from YouTube, how would you monetize it?’

Duh, porn.

‘Which do you think has more advertising potential in Boston, a flower shop or funeral home?’

Funeral home because the ads could be hilarious. I don’t need flower shops when I can just grab flowers from my local funeral home dumpster. Wait, where are you going?

‘If I give you $1 million right now, what would you do?’

Jump across the desk, pin you up against the wall, and pat your pockets down. If you have a million dollars on you right now, what are you hiding? No, I don’t always carry this shiv but that was pretty awesome how fast I pulled it out, though, huh?

‘What does ‘being Googley’ mean to you?’

That my assumption of how nerdy you people are is correct.

‘What is your favorite Google product, and how would you improve it?’

What’s that thing called when you need to find something on the Internet? Oh! Google. That’s my favorite. I would improve it by putting it on a computer program that can access the Internet giving me lots of options to choose from. So, what is it you guys do around here?

‘Estimate the number of tennis balls that can fit into a plane.’

Two at most. Depending on the size of my pants.

‘Define a service that would allow you to travel to the future.’

Run by a wacky neighborhood inventor, it’s silver, has 4 wheels. It uses a flux-capacitor and needs to get up to 88 miles per hour. No, I’m not available for a date.

‘If you came to work and had 200 emails in your inbox, how would you prioritize answering those emails?

I would first send a screen shot to my mom to show her that I did so have friends. Then I would “delete” all the “spam” from the “adult” sites that mysteriously made their way to my inbox. After that, I would take a look at the last two.

‘Google employment has doubled each year for the last x years. Given the current employment, how many years before Google employs the entire world population of y?’

–the “Google corral” idea from earlier doesn’t seem that crazy, now, does it.—

I don’t know but I would like the Google Overlords to know of my obedience and my gratitude for everything they’re doing with our planet. They can always count on me to report any acts of insubordination to them immediately.

‘How do you think the digital advertising world will change in the next three years?’

I think advertising will become more personal, fitting seamlessly into our lives full of thirst-quenching Coca-Cola and delicious McDonald’s-brand meals nourishing our families. I’m loving it!

‘What is the market for driverless cars in the year 2020?’

Wait. I thought you were supposed to know this? Are you just mining me for information? Do you even work here?

‘How would you explain cloud computing to a 6 year old?’

“Clouds are made when God cries and the tears dry up a little in the sky. Computers go there when they die.”

‘Model raindrops falling on a sidewalk (sidewalk is 1 meter and raindrops are 1 cm). How could we know when the sidewalk is completely wet?’

Well, all we have to do is watch any San Diego news weather report. They will tell us, often breaking into regularly scheduled programming, how the rain is wet, how long it’s been wet, how long it’s going to be wet, and how San Diego sidewalks are affected by its wetness. They will do this for a very long time with urgency.

‘At this stage in your life would you prefer earning or learning?’

Well, Socrates said…dude, um, I’m 43 years old. If I had a nickel for all the tidbits of useless information in my head, I could retire; which is coming up soon and there isn’t a wildly-random-tidbit/monetary exchange system that is paying right now. I’m gonna go with A.

‘How would you explain the importance of HTML 5 to Larry Page and then to my grandma?’

…  You guys have a cafeteria around here I could visit real quick?

‘You have a grocery delivery service (similar to Amazon Fresh) which delivers food within 24 hours. Estimate how many trucks you need to operate this service.’

I’m pretty sure only one. I can’t imagine I would need to eat a truckload of food every day. More than that seems a little excessive.

‘A coin was flipped 1,000 times and there were 560 heads. Do you think the coin is biased?’

Waitaminute. That’s a job here? Can we go back to that? Who do I need to talk to?

‘Would you remove the link to an extremist piece of writing?’

Like this one? Is that a Googley way of asking if I approve of book-banning?… You know, books? Books!!! Those things made of paper fastened together with words on them. B-O-O-K-S. Oh my God. I’m going to back out of here slowly before your robot head explodes.

***

I haven’t heard back yet about the position I want as Lunch Lady but, you have to admit, it is a tough interview process. Hopefully my resume-client’s interview process won’t be as difficult. We’ll find out. We’ll all know eventually. If I were you, I’d start studying these Google interview questions now. It may help you land a cushy position once the Google Overlords take over. If not, I’ll see you in the cafeteria.