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There was this time…(pt. 16)
The gate guard said the car had “Neil Diamond” stenciled on the window. That was enough for me and I jumped on my ride and took off.
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There was this time…(pt. 14)
Hell, I’d settle for someone in Ventura knowing I was still alive at this point.
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There was this time…(pt.13)
Giggling at our stealth and trying to find ways to shove martinis and steaming hot mushrooms into my purse…
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There was this time…(pt. 12)
I hadn’t even noticed how far he’d run off, as it was so quick, until I spotted some 20-year-old in a microscopic bikini holding my dog in her hands.
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What could possibly go wrong?
I didn’t practice loafing around all these years to start “exercising” now.
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There was this time…(pt. 11)
The second time was me shooting cookie pieces out of my mouth trying to apologize for the Snickers incident.
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There was this time…(pt. 7)
When I first started working there, there was a full-blown riot right out front of the registration office.
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There was this time…(pt.6)
That doesn’t stop me from running up to him and cupping his butt with both hands. Hard.
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There was this time…(pt. 5)
Oh and hey! if you come across a character that won’t keep her mouth shut…
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There was this time…(pt. 4)
He stood every time I did and listened to me like I mattered. He kissed my hand. I think. I don’t remember if that part is true but I’m going to keep it that way in my head.
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There was this time…(pt. 3)
Kath, as I like to call her now, make her stand out like, well, a supermodel.
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There was this time…(pt. 1)
I came out of a restaurant in the Upper Village of Montecito after a long lunch and got into her car to go home
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A PSA for Our Public Servicers
I know that’s not a good way to say that but I’m keeping it. I happened to look over towards the sound of a freight truck sliding its back door shut and catch a glimpse of our new postal carrier. She’s attractive, fit, peaceful, pleasant, and seems quite content with her duties. Being it such…
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You Need Our Dark
My “assholeness”, you may have figured out by now, concerned reader, comes from a darker place. But that’s just me. Not everyone’s outlooks are made up of cherries and groovy disco, you know.
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And Throw In Something Witchy
One of my favorite quotes of all time is one by Charles Manson. “Do what you do, do it well…and throw in something witchy.” Now, before you get outraged, there’s a reason it’s my favorite and not what you’re probably assuming. I don’t like it because it’s creepy/scary and makes me all shivery—it doesn’t. I…
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The New Road
I pray my new road to success is a bullet train powered by thinly-veiled resentment and mocking sarcasm because, so far, paying tolls with subservience and break-room-birthday-party-small-talk has gotten me nowhere.
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Planning for the Sort-of-Inevitable
I’m not saying it will happen, at least not any time soon. I’m pretty sure I’m going to be around to annoy everyone for way, way, WAY too long. Too long for you, too long for me, to the point of, “Seriously! Just shoot it already.” But just in case I land tits-up in some…
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Basement Scrote
Did you know that it was actually possible to take the high road in social media? It’s true. It happens all the time. As the trolls are out trolling, being assholes, banking those negative karma points, it is possible to actually ignore them and move on. Ours has become a very bare-naked, explosively explicit, vulnerable…
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Beautiful Day for a Bitchy Rant
Here’s a little tip; something you may not know about me. A Pro-Mo tip, if you will. There’s no real reason why you should know this so don’t get all angsty for not knowing something, even though I’m totally appalled at your misstep. How can I count on you, faithful reader, to properly stalk me…
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A No Toast Zone-type Day in the Park
Get your hands out of your lap, Maintenance Guy. There’s an axe with your name on it.
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Reflections on the Moon
Of course, it just could be my mood. It could be the “reflective” part of my PMS swing. The part that is deep, contemplative, meaningful…right before the terror begins.
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To My Dad for Father’s Day
Bow to the master. I’ve already and always considered my sweet S.O. as someone possessing extreme patience but I hadn’t really considered how patient until he had to see me every single second of every day. Granted, just moving, in and of itself, is enough to throw someone over the edge but moving in…
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Because “Nice” Isn’t Getting Me Anywhere
A rant about everyone stupid enough to piss me off. Which apparently are “humans that breathe.”
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The Bitchin Scale
Despite what the “melancholy”, “artistic”, and “deep” aura this photo is trying to convey, these girls walking on the “train tracks” at “dusk” says quite a bit more than what’s on the page….something like… that I typed in “friends” on a royalty-free pic site and got this. Hence all the quotation marks. I’m not buying…
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For fans of the No Toast Zone…
Please check out what I do when I’m not whining. Molotov Ink | Word Exploder!
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How to Deal
Here’s something I rarely do…rant. Just kidding. Anyway, I was talking to, seeking advice from actually, a good friend of mine about her success in her relationship. She then sought advice from me about Depression/Anxiety/whatnot. Especially, what to do about thoughts that just won’t go away. Ruminating, Obsessing, Freaking out, Mo’s normal Tuesday, whatever you…
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Why This Is Eve’s Fault
Because Eve was too selfish to think of the consequences of her actions, just chewing on any old dangling fruit, I’m stuck on the couch chain-smoking and eating ice cream at 8am.
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Chiroptera-faecis psychosis
So, I wonder: Does this theme skew the world’s hue because I’m wildly wielding an urgent, pre-loaded brush making it seem this way?
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Down wit’ it–teen tyme, yo!
So today, I was scrolling through a list of therapy groups in San Diego. For a friend. TOTALLLLLY for a friend. She really needs my stable, even-keeled, always-rational help in finding a reliable therapist…for, you know, her. -ahem- Anywho…. I stumbled across this ad for a group and my immediate reaction was sheer, outright embarrassment…
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This May Mean the End of Laundry Days
I pulled out the laundry soap drawer thingy to the washing machine but ripped it out instead and across the entire laundromat, hitting a walll and smashing into pieces.
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I Need to Get Out More
What’s it called when you reach the point in life when you watch “Let the Sunshine In” -ending scene from Hair and think, “Berger had it coming”? Oh! I remember. Middle Aged.
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Apparently, I’m Dead–updated.
“Apparently, according to the letter I received today from the Los Angeles County Public Guardian, I’m dead. It’s been such a sublime, peaceful, extremely bright day today that I’m starting to question it myself. Though, in Heaven, I wouldn’t be out of smokes. I’ll let you know if I resurrect anytime soon in the eyes…
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Hard to be a Hawk
I picture them with huge coke bottle glasses and pocket protectors and clipboards.
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Mobi’s CV
The other night, I carried my cat to bed instead of listening to the half hour of meowing when he suddenly notices I’m not in the room. You know, the other room. The other room of the two rooms. So, we went to the bedroom. It was dark, I was tired, and I tripped over…
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Summer is Here!
It’s that time of year in San Diego, kids! Fire season is here! Time to pack a bag, gallons of water, and canned goods. Time to start making that list, checking it twice and listing your friends’ houses in order of naughty, nice, location, generosity, cleanliness and stocked liquor cabinets. Time to plan, time to…
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Late Night, Wine and Debit Card, Oh My!
I can tell this story because it was long enough ago and I think we can all agree that curiosity, wine and a debit card make for dubious decisions. Besides, you were all thinking about it at the time, I’m just the sucker who did it. It was a simpler time, circa 1999, I was…
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Damn Allergies
It’s 2 am when I finally give up and move to the couch. I’m not going to sleep anymore. I can’t breathe through my nose. My nose squeaks like a garbage bag full of inflated balloons trying to fight their way out. So I hang my mouth open just inviting flies or a…
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The Canyon of Lost Keys
I already knew what I was doing wasn’t a smart thing to do but sometimes “smart” gets superseded by “gotta get some”. I was going to his house to fool around with my ex that night and, not surprisingly, it got weird. Not in the way that you may think. This site isn’t full of…
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There was this time…(pt.-1)
Jungle cats watching me pee is definitely a story that should be included in “There was this time…”
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Doctor’s Office Fashions
I’m in the doctor’s office, waiting as patiently as, well, a patient, looking at all the medically things in the cabinets. Just checking stuff out, opening drawers, stealing pens and giant Q-tips, misbalancing the scale, when I finally assess the paper drapes the nurse said I had to wear after I nakify myself. …
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Whitestone Research
I went to our accountant, Travis’s office, to drop off stuff, which is my daily or every other daily. Their office shares the same reception area with another. It’s called Whitestone Research. I have no idea what that means but for the last year and 8 months, it has been killing my cat with curiosity.…
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Fish
There are these fish that swim around on my computer’s desktop all day. If you click on the box, it feeds them. Just a couple clicks and they chase the little yellow dots of “food” and eat them. Well, now every time I open my browser, I have to feed them. I have to or…
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The No Toast Zone 