It’s 2 am when I finally give up and move to the couch. I’m not going to sleep anymore.
I can’t breathe through my nose. My nose squeaks like a garbage bag full of inflated balloons trying to fight their way out. So I hang my mouth open just inviting flies or a tasty moth. My eyes are bugged out like a chihuahua in a hoover. My left eye is bright red so at least I can still see it because my face is puffing up at odd angles rather quickly. My cornea has filled in the outer corner of my eye with some angry fluid so I’m trying not to move my eye to the left. Or to the right. Or blink on purpose. I’m trying really hard not to blink but my eyelid is rebelling against my brain and blinks in rapid bursts, only stopping occasionally to get stuck to the bottom lid until ripping free again for another round of Blink-fest: Catalog of Screams. Tiny sheets of sandpaper Blinky-left-eye has suddenly grown on the inside lid and by the time Blink-fest 2 starts, the sandpaper is replaced by a cheese-grater stapled to the inside of my eye. It hurts but it just keeps blinking away. I’m not sure but I don’t think blinking is normally audible.
I’m not worried about the trench the constant scraping is creating in my cornea. If fact, it could be quite beneficial that my eye is being sharpened by lava rock and Cholla cactus. I could be developing a multi-faceted eyeball. I could have the first house-fly/humanoid eye. Each scrape of the tiny fishhooks now embedded in my eyelid could create an unprecedented masterpiece that sees further, in more dimensions, through walls and into the future. It could happen. I can’t see my computer screen now but in a few hours, I could be a superhero.
I sneezed a couple of times until the back of my head exploded. I had to pick my eye up off the keyboard but with the help of Siracha and Tapatio, I squeezed it back in. Now, I just suppress the sneezes so that only my eardrums bleed. Though, I’m not sure if blood should be that dark and oily. As long as it leaks out, though, it slows the claw-hammer parade in my head. If it keeps doing that, I don’t mind the color or violently strong smell it has. Now the internal marching sound is less like the anvil tune from Verdi and a little more like Pink Floyd. Bonus switch for me because I don’t know Italian and I haven’t heard Floyd in a while.
When I tried to sing along to “Comfortably Numb”, all the skin ripped off my tongue. It stuck to my teeth after drying out from having to breathe though my mouth. No matter, I can never taste without the use of my nose anyway so I’m not going to worry about it right now. I’m just glad my jaw finally lubricated and loosened up. Though, the foam dripping off my chin is starting to clog up my keyboard.
My lips stopped flaking off at the chin-line so I’m happy about that.
Just gotta wait, so I’m just sitting here petting the cat. He came into the house with some sort of white nest affixed to his head earlier but I think I picked it all off. Part of it pulsed a little before it fell off into the couch but I’ll find it later. Right now I just need to take a Benadryl and try to ignore the crawling feeling and burrowing sounds coming from my scalp. It’s probably dry skin. December’s weather always dries me up. I bumped into my couch and the last three fingers of my right hand fell off. I’ll get some lotion while I wait. A little Jergens and I’m sure I’ll be fine.
I write awkward tales. Mostly funny. Usually true. Often truthfully funny.