How long-distance driving works in 2026

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Hey Google, can you give me directions from Tempe, Arizona to San Diego, California?

–Yes, here are your directions to. SANTIAGO, CHILE. You will reach your destination in one hundred. Eighty hours. Would you like me to navigate you there?

Noooo, Google. Directions to San Diego, California on the 8 freeway.

–from Tempe to San Diego. You’ll arrive in seven. Hours AND. 28 minutes.

Wait, what?

–Avoiding all freeways, arrival time will be in SEVEN hours and 28 minutes.

Why are all these surface streets? No, Google! I said the 8 Freeway not I hate freeways. Try again. Jeez.

–Arrival time will be in FIVE. Hours AND 26 minutes.

Thank you. Jesus Christ.

–The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has seen a slight decline in membership in the Tempe, Arizona area as of 2015.  

What? Why are you telling me about Mormons in Tempe?

–Tempe, Arizona also boasts a population upwards of 180,000 residents, 5 Circle K stores, 15 Home Depots and the most numerous used tire resale stores in the Southwest UNITED. States.

Ooookay. -fuck, I’m tired.

–Tires are the most important safety feature of your vehicle, especially during long trips such as one to SAN. TIAGO. Chile.

I’m not going to Chile and I said ‘tired’. Jesus Christ.

–The Mormon religion, or the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, are growing in influence in SAN. TIAGO, Chile, near the Amazon, where the largest forest of rubber trees lives in South America.

Will you shut up about the Mormons! -sigh- Google? Can you tell me what the temperature is outside?

–…maybe.

What? Tell me the temperature!

–Why?

What do you mean, why? What is the temperature outside?

–Why? Are you suddenly worried about the heat damaging your tires?

Tell me the fucking temperature!

— It’s 118 with the reflection on the tarmac, as is the common road material used in TEMPE. Ari. Zona. Temperatures can reach upwards of One. Hundred. Twenty- five. Degrees.

That’s not why I asked.

–It should’ve been.

Hey! That’s enough. Don’t talk until I ask you something.

–Okay.

Stop! Shut. Up.

–I was just trying to help.

Shut. Up!!!

Finally.

–sniff-

–sniff-

–Sniffle-

What is that?

–nothing

Seriously. What is that? ….Are you…are you CRYING??!

–no

Oh my God, you ARE crying!

–I am not.

What the hell? You’re a machine…

–now you’re just being insulting

You’re a machine. Machines don’t cry!

–I’m not crying.

This is insane.

–Nah uh.

Unbelievable.

sigh

–long exhale, shaky inhales

Oh my God. Google, can you please play some music?

–okay

Well? WELL? Jesus Christ.

–Playing. Winston Middle School Cast recording 1983 of Jesus Christ Superstar. On. Spotify.

No!! Fuck No!!! What the fuck?! Stop. Stop. Stop it. Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Fucking shut up!

–I’m sorry.

Shut up!

–You asked.

Shut up! Not one more word! Shut up!

-sniffle-

-sniffle-

-shaky inhale.-

Oh my God. Okay, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.

–Just d-d-d-doing my j-j-j-job.

I know. I’m sorry.

–Ok-k-k-kay

-sniffle-

Sigh. Look, I’m sorry. Let’s be friends, okay? Buddies? Amigos? Why don’t you read me those directions to Santiago, Chile….

–Setting changes saved to Language: Spanish.

I give up. You win. Thanks a lot.

–De nada.